Hidden motives: is a gift ever just a gift?

On the art of giving, the hidden costs of generosity, and how it can foster a sense of entitlement or stewardship

When a relationship is shaped by wealth and succession, generosity is rarely straightforward. In this article, we explore the motives – visible and hidden – beneath the act of giving.

 

Outer and inner realities of giving

Wealth planning is a blend of art and science, reflecting not just financial decisions, but also the dynamics of relationship, values, and even hidden power plays. It calls for a series of choices that shape family interactions, individual development, and the mutual respect within families and communities.

To illustrate our point, consider two examples.

Let’s start by imagining a wealth owner creating a trust fund for their grandchild. At first glance, this might appear an act of pure generosity. Upon closer examination, we might discover conditions attached to the trust – like achieving academic targets, or pursuing a specific career. 

As such, the gift can subtly become a tool to guide future behaviour and life choices, embodying the giver’s own values and influence.

The situation becomes more complex if the trust is established without consulting the wealth owner’s children. Succession rights may be undermined, and doubt cast on the true intent behind the gift. What appears as an act of generosity may be revealed as a manoeuvre for control, revealing a further, intricate layer to wealth and relationships.

Now let’s imagine an entrepreneur making a significant donation to their local art museum. A philanthropic gesture, for sure, but also one that can bolster the donor’s reputation and influence. Such gestures often intertwine altruism with self-interest. 

Through these two scenarios, we see the dual facets to giving: the visible acts of generosity and the hidden motives, the outer and inner realities of wealth and relationships.

 

Beneath the surface of giving: more than meets the eye

For most of us, learning about wealth happens quietly, almost imperceptibly. We watch our parents, we watch our families, and observe patterns and attitudes to spending, saving, investing, and sharing. We absorb unspoken, even unconscious lessons, which in turn influence our own financial decisions, attitudes, and patterns.

So, like an iceberg, beneath the visible part of a gift may lie massive, unseen implications. These depths mirror the complexities and undercurrents in the act of gifting wealth itself. They help us understand why sometimes a gift may have an “economic price” for the donor, and an “emotional price” for the recipient. “All that glisters is not gold”, Shakespeare taught us, revealing that the true value and cost of a gift often lie beneath its surface, unseen and profound.

These hidden depths find their tangible expression in the traditions and dynamics of wealth transfer. Gifting wealth has always been part of human culture, symbolising intentions, power, and emotions. In this arena, older generations preparing to pass on wealth often grapple with feelings of duty, legacy, and control. They may worry about the right amount of wealth and the right moment to share, and the impact it will have on the character and well-being of their loved ones. 

Consequently, the psychology of receiving wealth is multi-faceted. On one side, it can foster a sense of entitlement, leading to dependency and stifled growth. In some cases, it might result in disrespect and hinder genuine relationships. On the other side, wealth intended as a tool for empowerment can inadvertently become a means of control or manipulation. Gifts given to compensate for past neglect, resolve disagreements, or balance family dynamics, while well-intentioned, may create undesired dynamics. They can lead to an expectation of conformity, obliging the recipient to adhere to specific behaviours or choices. This can undermine the values of hard work and self-reliance, potentially leading to reduced initiative or personal achievement. Moreover, such practices can sometimes breed resentment or a sense of injustice, disrupting familial harmony and mutual respect.

In contrast, when clear guidance and intentions accompany the wealth transfer, the submerged part of this “wealth iceberg” can be a powerful tool to instil responsibility, altruism, and a sense of contribution. In other words, the qualities that are crucial for personal development and societal engagement.

It is, therefore, helpful to recognize that giving is never just a one-way act: it is a mutual agreement, ideally aligning the expectations of both giver and receiver. 

This understanding of the dual nature of wealth as both an empowering and controlling force highlights the need for careful consideration and open communication. By aligning the intentions of the giver with the needs and aspirations of the receiver, the process of giving can strengthen – rather than undermining – individual agency and promote family harmony. This approach ensures that wealth acts as a positive force, nurturing responsible stewardship and mutual respect within the family.

 

Embrace simplicity in authentic generosity: cherishing the joy of giving

As we have discovered, gifts often carry deeper meanings, underscoring the importance of transparency and sincerity in giving. 

But, amidst the intricacies of life and relationships, there’s also a place for simplicity. 

Freud once said that “sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar”. To this let us add: “sometimes, a gift is just a gift.” 

Not every gesture demands scrutiny: sometimes the joy of giving and receiving is its own motivation.

So, as we make our journey through life, let’s cherish these moments of unadulterated generosity, and find delight in both giving and receiving.

Key questions to explore the dynamics of giving and receiving:

  1. Early influences: How did receiving gifts shape your views on generosity and wealth?
  2. Strings attached: Can you recall a time when a gift or inheritance came with unexpected conditions? How did that impact you?
  3. Financial upbringing: Did your upbringing involve financial abundance, scarcity, or a mix? How does this shape your current views on wealth distribution?
  4. Motives for giving: What motivates you to give gifts or money? Do you set expectations for how they should be used?
  5. Influential figures: Who has most influenced your approach to wealth and giving, and what lasting lessons did you learn from them?
  6. Legacy aspirations: What values or lessons from your experiences with wealth do you hope to pass on to future generations?